The Week in Rewind

Low Points

• I seem to be in a cycle of sorts. The start of the week is heavy with emotions. By Thursday I feel much better until Sunday, then the cycle starts again. It is frustrating but now that I have identified it I can manage it.

High Points

• I started a new kettlebell workout this week. It was so tough but I actually really enjoyed it.

• The weather this week has been beautiful. We have had beautiful clear skies and while it has been hot, it has been manageable.

• I got a lot done at work - we have two big events coming up and I launched a new blog.

  

My Musings

I have never been great at making friends. When you are younger and at school, you can generally find at least one person who will tolerate you. I grew up in the 80’s, where children were allowed to run feral, so I spent a lot of time with the other kids in the neighbourhood. I am not sure we actually liked each other as much as we understood there was safety in numbers. Despite all of that I never had a best friend. There was no one person who I felt connected to or kept in touch with once I left school. 

When I had children, I found a tribe of moms who did become friends but I lost many of them when I got divorced. As our kids grew up though, we also did start drifting apart. But I did manage to find a best friend just before I turned 30. She was also a mom, our kids were the same ages and we were both trying desperately to find our place in the world. 

Our friendship was not without it’s own set of challenges though. We formed our friendship when I left my first husband. When I met my husband our friendship obviously changed but we did manage to navigate it and some my favourite moments were at her house around the braai. 

But then she died. Not her fault (obviously), she got breast cancer and within 2 years of her diagnosis she was gone. It was devastating. Even though things between us had not been great towards the end, I always thought we would have time to fix everything and live out our version of Grace and Frankie. The lesson was learnt. 

It hasn’t even been a year since she passed. I fear that she may have been my one and only best friend. 

Sure I have friends, we go to each others birthdays (sometimes) and we have coffee now and then but I don’t have a group of gals I can go away for the weekend with or head out to brunch on Sundays with. You know, like they do in the movies. 

About a year ago I met a woman, someone I had been following on Twitter for years actually. Our boys are the same age, we are similar in age and we have a lot in common. We have forged a friendship that I treasure deeply, but I still feel very guarded and am waiting for her to find me too much. 

What I watched, read, ate and grew.

• My husband and I are watching the English Teacher - I am not sure if it is good or not but we are enjoying it regardless.

• I have started watching Doctor Odyssey and I am enjoying it.

• I watched After Everything with Jeremy Allen White in and it was such a let down. It was just a pointless movie *sigh*

• I am have just reading Tired as F8ck by Caroline Dooner but I am already half way through it. I am loving it. It is so confronting but I can identify with so much of what she says.

• My neighbour bought us dinner on Monday and it was the most delicious nachos! It was really such a wonderful meal.

• I spent a lot of time in my garden. My vegetable seedlings are coming along nicely and I noticed a new chili on my chili plant.

How was your week?

First off, what’s the deal with perimenopause?

Perimenopause is like the opening act before the main event of menopause. It’s when your ovaries start producing less estrogen, usually kicking off in your mid-40s. This hormonal rollercoaster can last anywhere from a few months to several years. Once you’ve gone a full year without a period, congratulations! You’ve officially hit menopause. I have been in perimenopause for years (and years).

So, why the rage?

Here’s the scoop: estrogen isn’t just about reproductive health. It’s also besties with serotonin, our mood-boosting brain chemical. When estrogen levels drop, it’s like your brain’s happy juice supply gets disrupted. The result? Hello, mood swings and irritability! Reminder to read this book!

But it’s not just hormones playing havoc. Think about it – you’re dealing with night sweats, insomnia, hot flashes, and a slowing metabolism. It’s like your body’s throwing a tantrum, and your mood is caught in the crossfire. Add in life stressors like teenage kids or aging parents, and it’s a perfect storm for some serious anger issues.

How to spot menopause rage:

• You go from zero to furious in seconds flat

• Your patience has left the building

• Family and friends are walking on eggshells around you

• You’re experiencing other symptoms like irregular periods, sleep issues, or vaginal dryness

What can you do about it?

1. Accept it: Don’t beat yourself up. This is a normal part of the menopause journey.

2. Track your triggers: Keep a journal or use an app to spot patterns in your mood swings.

3. Take a breather: When you feel the rage building, step back and ask yourself, “Is this situation really rage-worthy?”

4. Get moving: Exercise is like a natural mood booster. Aim for at least 150 minutes of moderate activity per week. This does definitely help, I was feeling particularly rageful so took the dog for a walk and I did feel somewhat calmer than I did before I left.

5. Watch what you eat and drink: Load up on fruits, veggies, and foods rich in plant estrogens (like soy). And stay hydrated! Dehydration can make mood swings worse.

6. Prioritize sleep: Create a bedtime routine and tackle those night sweats with cooling pillows or moisture-wicking pajamas.

7. Cut back on caffeine and quit smoking: Both can make menopause symptoms worse.

8. Try mindfulness: Meditation, yoga, or even a simple nature walk can help ground you.

9. Hang with your girls: Sometimes you just need to vent to people who get it.

10. Consider hormone therapy: Talk to your doctor about whether estrogen replacement might be right for you.

Remember, menopause rage isn’t your fault, and you’re not going crazy. It’s a combination of hormonal changes and life circumstances. Be kind to yourself, try out these tips, and if you are feeling very unhinged, get some help from your healthcare provider.

You’ve got this, and this too shall pass!

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I have just finished the Happiness Project and it was such a great read (listen). One of my biggest take aways has been keeping track of my happiness - which sounds a little formal but it has helped me so much to focus on the things that bring me joy and intentionally focus on the things that make me happy.

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Perimenopause is such a challenging time and it is so easy to get caught up on the anxiety and symptoms and exhaustion. Losing control over what your body does and when really can get you down - I know it got me down a lot. The weight gain in particularly has been so hard for me to accept and really gets me down some days.

It is so easy to get caught up in a cycle of negativity, I have been there and I don’t want to go there again. One of those the things I have started doing daily to help me focus on the positive things I have in my life is taken stock at the end of every day.

I have created a mini survey with 6 questions that I answer everyday.

1. I rate the day.

2. List 3 wins/things I am thankful for, for the day.

3. List 3 things I am looking forward tomorrow.

4. What area of my life needed a little extra work? (this is a drop down, nothing intense or in detail)

5. Movie of the day. (This one is optional, I added it because I am currently in my movie watching era.)

6. Upload a photo.

This takes me 5 minutes at the end of each day but it changes how I approach each day.

• I actively look for things to take a photo of.

• I start each day looking forward to the 3 things on my list.

• I have to look for positives in each day - even on the tough days.

• I am building a record of my life to look back on.

• I have started making time for things that make me happy - writing, scrapbooking, creating etc.

Despite what we are often made to believe, happiness requires a little bit of effort. When we take the time to be intentional about our day and the things we focus on, it can make a big difference in our overall mental health.

What do you do to stay focused and intentional about your happiness?

The Week in Rewind

Low Points

• I had a very heavy, emotional week. Grief hits you whenever and where ever it feels like, and this week it hit me hard at the start of the week.

• It is end of the month here which means bank balances are super low and we have had to say no to a few things I didn’t want to.

High Points

• I had a coffee catch up session with my neighbor which was so lovely. She has become a very solid part of my support system. She recently started a new job that is a lot more demanding that her previous, work from home, job so we don’t see each other as much.

• My daughter has another market this weekend so I was busy making iced coffee mugs and Christmas goodies for her.

• I finished my new blog, it is ready to launch and I am so excited.

• I managed a full gym session. It was tough but I did it! It helps that this is the gym view.

  

My Musings

I am pretty new to SubStack and because I tend to jump in to things, I started this page and just started writing. But this week I was reading up on how to start a SubStack and how to succeed etc. Reading one of the posts I had a DUH moment. The writer said “Start with an post about who you are and why you are here” 🤦‍♀️I have not done this, so how does anyone know who I am or why I am here!

So here is the condensed version!

I am a 46 year old mother of 4, wife, writer and business owner. I have had a very public and well known blog (in my little hood) for 18 years. It followed my journey from a single mom of a 2 to a happily married mom of 4. But my children are bigger now and I have written all I can about parenting, it was time to write about something else - namely ME!

While my perimenopause has been “easy”, it has not been without it’s challenges. Challenges I was not informed about or prepared for, which is why I chose to write about it and why I talk about openly with my children, my friends and my partner. Through this I am learning so much about myself and my body - it has been a fascinating deep dive and I am learning more each day.

I am also reveling in this stage of my life where I get to rediscover (or discover) who I am again and the things and people that bring me joy. While my children will always be a priority, I am learning to prioritize myself and the things that make me happy.

I chose to remain largely anonymous here, not because I have anything to hide but there is a freedom that comes with anonymity and I wanted a space I could shar feely without worrying that my mom or cousin or colleague would see it.

What I watched, read, ate and grew.

• I watched Paradise City this week - I figured since it had both John Travolta and Bruce Willis, it had to be good, right? WRONG! It was so bad - the acting, the effects - all bad.

• Have you watched Life in Pieces on Disney? If not, you must. It is so funny!

• I am reading a lot of SubStacks and finding some really great authors sharing real life stories. I LOVE IT. I would love to hear your favourite stacks!

• It is true that it is the simple things - our fridge and cupboards are pretty bare but we have a bunch of frozen bananas and delicious thick Greek yoghurt. When you put those two things in a blender with a little milk you create magic! This has been our after dinner treat and it is really such a yum treat!

• We had a day and a half of the most gorgeous rain and my garden came to life almost instantly. My seedlings are all ready to plant out and I have booked out my Saturday to get back into my garden!

How was your week?

Night sweats, also known as sleep hyperhidrosis, affect up to 75% of women going through menopause. They can be one of the earliest and most bothersome signs that your body is preparing to bid farewell to its reproductive years. But while night sweats may be an unavoidable part of the menopause experience for many, that doesn’t mean you have to suffer through them.

Understanding the Cause of Menopausal Night Sweats

To get a handle on those middle-of-the-night hot flashes, it’s important to first understand what’s causing them. Night sweats during menopause are primarily driven by fluctuating estrogen levels.

As you approach menopause, your ovaries slowly begin to produce less estrogen. This hormonal shift can wreak havoc on your body’s internal thermostat, causing the hypothalamus (the part of your brain that regulates body temperature) to become hypersensitive.

In an attempt to cool down your body, the hypothalamus triggers the blood vessels to dilate, which leads to increased blood flow and a sudden feeling of intense heat – otherwise known as a hot flash. When these hot flashes occur at night, the result is a night sweat.

It’s a vicious cycle, really. The hot flash causes you to sweat profusely, which then leaves you feeling chilled as your body temperature plummets. This temperature fluctuation can disrupt your sleep throughout the night, leaving you fatigued and irritable the next day.

Taming the Heat: Tips for Managing Menopausal Night Sweats

While you can’t control the hormonal changes driving your night sweats, there are several strategies you can employ to minimize their impact and help you get a better night’s sleep. Here are some top tips:

1. Keep it cool. Create a sleep-friendly environment by keeping your bedroom temperature on the cooler side, using breathable bedding, and running a fan or air conditioner if needed. You can also try using a cooling mattress pad or pillow.

2. Dress for success. Opt for lightweight, moisture-wicking fabrics like cotton or bamboo for your sleepwear. Avoid synthetic fabrics that can trap heat and sweat. And be sure to have an extra set of pajamas nearby in case you need to change in the middle of the night.

3. Time it right. Certain foods and beverages can trigger hot flashes, so try to avoid triggers like spicy dishes, alcohol, and caffeine – especially in the hours leading up to bedtime.

4. Get moving. Regular exercise has been shown to help reduce the frequency and severity of night sweats. Just be sure to work out earlier in the day, as intense exercise too close to bedtime can be stimulating and disruptive to sleep.

5. Manage stress. Stress and anxiety can exacerbate hot flashes and night sweats. Try incorporating relaxation techniques like deep breathing, meditation, or gentle yoga into your daily routine.

6. Explore supplements. Some women find relief from night sweats by taking natural supplements like black cohosh, evening primrose oil, or vitamin E. However, it’s always best to consult your healthcare provider before starting any new supplement regimen.

7. Discuss medication options. If lifestyle adjustments aren’t providing enough relief, your doctor may recommend low-dose estrogen therapy or other prescription medications to help regulate your body temperature and prevent night sweats.

Reclaiming Your Sleep, Reclaiming Your Life

Night sweats can be one of the most disruptive and frustrating symptoms of menopause. Interrupted sleep, drenched bedding, and the resulting fatigue can take a serious toll on your overall health and wellbeing.

But the good news is, you don’t have to suffer in silence. By understanding the underlying causes of your night sweats and implementing some strategic coping techniques, you can take back control of your sleep – and your life.

Start by having an open conversation with your healthcare provider. They can help you identify the root causes of your night sweats and develop a personalized treatment plan to address them. From there, it’s all about experimenting to find the right combination of lifestyle adjustments and medical interventions that work best for you.

With a little trial and error, and a whole lot of self-compassion, you can find relief from those middle-of-the-night hot flashes and rediscover the joys of uninterrupted, restorative sleep. After all, you’ve got enough on your plate during this transitional time – your rest shouldn’t have to be one of the casualties.

So hang in there, fellow menopause warriors. By tackling those night sweats head-on, you’ll be well on your way to reclaiming your health, your energy, and your overall quality of life. Sweet dreams await!

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Happiness is often thought to be some big, grand gesture - getting engaged, getting promoted, having a baby, starting a business, winning the lotto. Sure, those things can add to your happiness but I am learning (and accepting) that happiness, real, lasting happiness can be found in the small, every day things. And it is those things we need to nurture and cherish.

“Happiness is a choice that requires effort at times.” Aeschylus

I find happiness in things like scrapbooking, writing, creating, baking, spending time with my family, friends and my partner. None of these things are hard to do but they all require intention.

I have to intentionally make time to be creative - whether that is scrapbooking, baking or writing.

I have to be intentional about the quality of the time I spend with my children.

I have to be intentional about setting dates with my friends and my partner.

Doing the things that make me happy requires effort. The effort is without question always worth it. But it can be very easy to not make the effort - life gets busy, we get distracted, something else comes up, we prioritize other things.

In order to make sure we make the effort, we have to know what makes us happy. It has taken me a while to settle in to what really makes me happy and brings me joy but now that I know, I am make sure I prioritize my happiness.

I have a weekly coffee session with a friend, the same day at the same time - it makes me so incredibly happy and I have the time booked out permanently in my diary.

Writing is a powerful outlet for me, it not only makes me happy but helps me to process emotions and experiences. I set time in my diary daily to write - even if it is just a paragraph or my gratitude for the day.

Quality time is one of my love languages, so making sure my partner and I get regular date nights is essential, not only to our relationship but also to my happiness.

There are smaller moments in my day that make me happy, that also require a little effort - my daily coffee made from good beans, playing Wordle with my partner, my early morning yoga, lighting an incense. All of these things add a little bit of joy to my every day life.

As I get older and more secure and confident in myself and the life I have chosen I am becoming more focused on ensuring that I make the effort to be happy. I am also teaching my children that happiness is something we have to work at. It is something we have to be intentional about and focus on. Relying on someone or something else to make you happy is not sustainable and it does not guarantee happiness - the promotion may come with unplanned additional stress, something could happen to your partner. Becoming the source of your happiness is what will ensure a joyful life that is filled with the things that full your cup.

What makes you happy? Do you even know?

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The Week in Rewind

Low Points

• My period arrived 8 days early which makes me so unreasonably angry. Mainly because I have always been very regular. Thanks perimenopause.

• It has been 7 weeks since my son died. This week felt very heavy for me. I felt very overwhelmed with sadness and there were a lot of tears.

High Points

• I got back on my yoga mat. I started with some slow, easy flows with Yoga with Adrienne. I have missed it.

• I was very intentional about what I have been eating - lots of healthy, fresh food and fruit. The last 7 weeks have been so chaotic and I haven’t been eating well and my body has been telling me.

• I had an invigorating coffee session with my friend. We have some exciting things planned and she gave me the confidence to take a bold step.

• We had the first rains of the season. Nothing beats a summer African thunderstorm. The rain beating down, the thunder rumbling - sheer joy.

• I spent time getting creative with my Cricut. My daughter has a few markets coming up so we were getting some fun Christmas themed merch made. Lots of fun!

• Coffee with my youngest son and then making bracelets with my youngest daughter. Such simple activities but they made us all so happy.

My Musings

I am listening to The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin, I know its an old book but I am really enjoying it.

In the chapter I have just finished she spoke about happiness as resilience. One of the reasons she wrote the book is to learn how to find happiness when times are tough - when you get laid off, break up with a partner, experience loss etc. I don’t think many of us have thought of happiness in this way but it makes so much sense to me, especially now as I navigate the loss of my son.

I have always made time for things that bring me joy - scrapbooking, writing, baking, gardening. Having these things as a part of my routine has really helped me to navigate and process my grief. I haven’t had to think of things to do to calm my mind, these things were already there.

I think it is a valuable skill to learn to help you get through those tough times and obviously create happiness.

What I watched, read, ate and grew.

• Prime just loaded all 25 James Bond movies! I started watching the Daniel Craig ones - I really enjoyed all them. I am now trying the Pierce Bronson ones.

• We are re-watching Grace and Frankie - I love this show so much and could watch it on repeat.

• I also watched Role Play with Kaley Cuoco - it was a fun watch. Perfect for movie night.

• I am reading/listening to the Happiness Project - have you read it? I am considering getting a hard copy, to be able to reference it.

• The highlight of my week was a delicious moussaka I made - it is a favourite of my husband and I. We got the biggest, most beautiful brinjals in our veggie box and they were perfect in the moussaka.

• I planted peas in my garden a while ago and they are coming along so nicely. Herbs have been my nemesis but I have managed to nurse an ailing mint plant back to life.

How was your week?

Itchiness as a Symptom of Menopause: Understanding and Managing This Common Concern

Menopause is a natural biological process that marks the end of a woman’s reproductive years. While hot flashes and mood swings are often discussed as common symptoms, many women are surprised to discover that itchiness can also be a significant issue during this transitional period.

Why Does Menopause Cause Itchiness?

The primary culprit behind menopausal itchiness is the dramatic decrease in estrogen levels. Estrogen plays a crucial role in maintaining skin health by:

1. Stimulating collagen and oils production, which keeps skin moisturized and plump

2. Supporting the skin’s barrier function, protecting against environmental stressors

3. Promoting blood flow to the skin, ensuring proper nourishment

As estrogen levels decline, these protective mechanisms are compromised, leading to various skin changes that can result in itchiness:

• Dryness: Reduced oil production leads to dry, flaky skin that’s prone to itching.

• Thinning: The skin becomes thinner and more sensitive, making it more susceptible to irritation.

• Reduced elasticity: Loss of collagen can cause the skin to feel tight and uncomfortable.

Common Areas Affected by Menopausal Itching

While itchiness can occur anywhere on the body, some areas are more commonly affected during menopause:

1. Vulva and vagina: Known as vulvovaginal atrophy, this can cause intense itching and discomfort.

2. Scalp: Hormonal changes can lead to a dry, itchy scalp and even hair loss.

3. Legs and arms: Large areas of skin on the limbs may become dry and itchy.

4. Face: Facial skin may feel tight, dry, and prone to itching.

I am struggling with ALL of these, my scalp, arms and legs being the worst of them.

Impact on Quality of Life

Persistent itching can significantly affect a woman’s quality of life during menopause. It can lead to:

• Sleep disturbances

• Anxiety and stress

• Embarrassment in social situations

• Reduced self-esteem

• Difficulty concentrating on daily tasks

Managing Menopausal Itchiness

Fortunately, there are several strategies to alleviate menopausal itching:

1. Moisturize regularly: Use fragrance-free, hypoallergenic moisturizers to keep skin hydrated. Apply immediately after bathing for best results.

2. Adjust your bathing routine: Use lukewarm water instead of hot, limit shower time, and opt for gentle, fragrance-free cleansers.

3. Stay hydrated: Drink plenty of water to help maintain skin hydration from the inside out.

4. Wear breathable fabrics: Choose loose-fitting, natural fiber clothing to reduce skin irritation.

5. Use a humidifier: Adding moisture to the air can help prevent skin dryness, especially in dry climates or during winter months.

6. Consider dietary changes: Incorporate foods rich in omega-3 fatty acids, such as fish, flaxseeds, and walnuts, which can help improve skin health.

7. Practice stress-reduction techniques: Stress can exacerbate itching, so try meditation, yoga, or deep breathing exercises to stay calm.

8. Avoid triggers: Identify and avoid products or situations that worsen your itching, such as certain fabrics, detergents, or environmental factors.

Medical Treatments

If lifestyle changes aren’t providing sufficient relief, consider discussing these options with your healthcare provider:

1. Topical estrogen: Low-dose estrogen creams or rings can help relieve vaginal and vulvar itching.

2. Systemic hormone therapy: For some women, hormone replacement therapy may be appropriate to address multiple menopausal symptoms, including itching.

3. Antihistamines: These can help relieve itching and improve sleep quality.

4. Prescription moisturizers or barrier creams: Your doctor may recommend specific products to address severe dryness or itching.

When to Seek Medical Advice

While itching is often a benign symptom of menopause, it’s important to consult a healthcare provider if:

• The itching is severe or persistent despite home remedies

• You notice any changes in skin color or texture

• There are signs of infection, such as redness, swelling, or discharge

• The itching significantly impacts your quality of life

Remember, itching during menopause is a common and manageable symptom. By understanding its causes and implementing appropriate strategies, you can find relief and maintain your comfort and well-being during this transitional phase of life.

First off, what’s the deal with perimenopause?

Perimenopause is like the opening act before the main event of menopause. It’s when your ovaries start producing less estrogen, usually kicking off in your mid-40s. This hormonal rollercoaster can last anywhere from a few months to several years. Once you’ve gone a full year without a period, congratulations! You’ve officially hit menopause. I have been in perimenopause for years (and years).

So, why the rage?

Here’s the scoop: estrogen isn’t just about reproductive health. It’s also besties with serotonin, our mood-boosting brain chemical. When estrogen levels drop, it’s like your brain’s happy juice supply gets disrupted. The result? Hello, mood swings and irritability! Reminder to read this book!

But it’s not just hormones playing havoc. Think about it – you’re dealing with night sweats, insomnia, hot flashes, and a slowing metabolism. It’s like your body’s throwing a tantrum, and your mood is caught in the crossfire. Add in life stressors like teenage kids or aging parents, and it’s a perfect storm for some serious anger issues.

How to spot menopause rage:

• You go from zero to furious in seconds flat

• Your patience has left the building

• Family and friends are walking on eggshells around you

• You’re experiencing other symptoms like irregular periods, sleep issues, or vaginal dryness

What can you do about it?

1. Accept it: Don’t beat yourself up. This is a normal part of the menopause journey.

2. Track your triggers: Keep a journal or use an app to spot patterns in your mood swings.

3. Take a breather: When you feel the rage building, step back and ask yourself, “Is this situation really rage-worthy?”

4. Get moving: Exercise is like a natural mood booster. Aim for at least 150 minutes of moderate activity per week. This does definitely help, I was feeling particularly rageful so took the dog for a walk and I did feel somewhat calmer than I did before I left.

5. Watch what you eat and drink: Load up on fruits, veggies, and foods rich in plant estrogens (like soy). And stay hydrated! Dehydration can make mood swings worse.

6. Prioritize sleep: Create a bedtime routine and tackle those night sweats with cooling pillows or moisture-wicking pajamas.

7. Cut back on caffeine and quit smoking: Both can make menopause symptoms worse.

8. Try mindfulness: Meditation, yoga, or even a simple nature walk can help ground you.

9. Hang with your girls: Sometimes you just need to vent to people who get it.

10. Consider hormone therapy: Talk to your doctor about whether estrogen replacement might be right for you.

Remember, menopause rage isn’t your fault, and you’re not going crazy. It’s a combination of hormonal changes and life circumstances. Be kind to yourself, try out these tips, and if you are feeling very unhinged, get some help from your healthcare provider.

You’ve got this, and this too shall pass!

A few of my takeaways

• No one actually knows a whole lot about menopause (yet).

• It is not actually an ovary issue but more of a brain issue.

• There are only TWO main types of HRT’s! This seems bizarre because while we all have similar symptoms we are all different and experience this season differently.

• Brain fog is a very real. For some woman it improves after menopause, for some it stays the same and for some it gets worse.

There is obviously a lot more information in this podcast and I am keen to get my hands on the book. Give it a listen, it might help explain what you are going through.

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Let me explain. 

There is a large age gap between my older two and younger two. There is almost a decade where it was just the older two and us. Then we were a family of 6 very quickly and it was chaos. Our attention was constantly divided and we were always tired. It is so lovely now to have this time with the younger two, we can do a lot more and we get to have some real quality time with them. I know that when they do leave as well I miss them. I miss the older two. But I am still excited for when they do venture off on their own adventures. 

I don’t dread them leaving and I would never think of encouraging them to stay local if they wanted to also study/travel in a new city or even a country. It is an exciting time for them, they get to spread their wings and start following their own path. 

What I am most excited for though, is the time I will have with my partner. When we met I already had two kids and we were lucky enough to have support in terms of trusted babysitters but it has never just been the two of us. I can’t wait for us to have the freedom to do what we want, when we want. 

I love being a mother and I love watching my children grow and being with them is one of my favourite things. Spending time with my husband though, is also one of my favourite things! I am not worried we won’t have anything to talk about. I am not worried that we will get bored. I am not worried I won’t like him. We have such fun together and have been on so many adventures both with and without the kids, I can’t wait to be able to do that every day. 

The narrative so often around this season of life is that you and your partner won’t have anything to say to one another and you will be so distraught because your children have left. I don’t think either of these things are how it is for most people. 

When I had children, I found a tribe of moms who did become friends but I lost many of them when I got divorced. As our kids grew up though, we also did start drifting apart. But I did manage to find a best friend just before I turned 30. She was also a mom, our kids were the same ages and we were both trying desperately to find our place in the world. 

Our friendship was not without it’s own set of challenges though. We formed our friendship when I left my first husband. When I met my husband our friendship obviously changed but we did manage to navigate it and some my favourite moments were at her house around the braai. 

But then she died. Not her fault (obviously), she got breast cancer and within 2 years of her diagnosis she was gone. It was devastating. Even though things between us had not been great towards the end, I always thought we would have time to fix everything and live out our version of Grace and Frankie. The lesson was learnt. 

It hasn’t even been a year since she passed. I fear that she may have been my one and only best friend. 

Sure I have friends, we go to each others birthdays (sometimes) and we have coffee now and then but I don’t have a group of gals I can go away for the weekend with or head out to brunch on Sundays with. You know, like they do in the movies. 

About a year ago I met a woman, someone I had been following on Twitter for years actually. Our boys are the same age, we are similar in age and we have a lot in common. We have forged a friendship that I treasure deeply, but I still feel very guarded and am waiting for her to find me too much. 

HOW DO YOU MAKE FRIENDS?

The biggest challenge with new friendships when you are on the other side of 40 is where do you find them?

My kids are older now, I don’t need to stay with them when they go on play dates, do sports etc. This means the opportunity to meet other moms specifically is limited. I work from home, so no colleagues to meet. I am more of an introvert, so starting new things specifically designed to meet new people is very (VERY) hard for me. 

Does that mean I am destined to be friendless for the rest of time?

Sometimes I think that’s exactly what it means which makes me a little sad. But then I meet someone like the friend I met last year and think maybe there is hope. 

I also find the criteria for friends now is very different to what it was 20 years ago. I don’t want to go out drinking anymore, in fact I don’t really want to actually go out at all. I just want someone I can whatsapp “Did you watch the carriage scene” or “I watched a Karen loose her mind because Woolies had no peeled onions.” Someone to go out for lunch with every now and then and maybe meet for coffee once a week. 

I am also passed that stage of needing someone to reply immediately or keep constant contact. We are all busy doing our thing, that’s ok, you can reply when you can.

How have you found making friends the older you get?

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